the ladders

First of all, I'm not talking about the ladders.com website. That site promises high paying jobs. You know, it promises jobs paying 100 grand or more.Good luck with that bullshit. I'm talking about real ladders. Mardi gras ladders for the kids and shit. Anyway, the night before mardi gras every year, the Knights of Columbus have all of their ladders put out. You know, for the kids and shit. Bad people will move your ladders or even steal them. It's a crazy,evil, hoop-ass world we live in. Someone has to stay up all night and watch those ladders. You know, for the kids and shit. They wanna see the floats and catch stuffed animals.

I'm not sure if the original ladder watchers caught the clap or not but I was asked to watch the ladders. Anyone in their right mind wouldn't ask me to watch 40 ladders. I can barely stay home alone. At this moment, I immediately think of the open bar upstairs and accept the job. At this moment of time I'm 15 years old.The possibilities of drinking and getting into crazy (new orleans) late night trouble make me say yes faster than Daniel Bryan.

It's now time to party cause everyone has left the knights of columbus. I'm in new orleans and in charge of all kinds of stuff!I'm the head sheriff of all these ladders! You know what? My cousin daniel is gonna help me watch these ladders.Evan,my step brother, is also helping us out in case we have to hand out stone cold stunners to gang members. Daniel is gonna watch the ladders while I go get ALL KINDS OF BEER from the bar upstairs.

Imagine having a bar with everything for free from 11p.m. until 5 a.m. Yeah sounds like alcohol poisoning for the young guy. No way! I drank those beers like a champ! I got so hammered I could barely walk! What ladders? Let me tell you how crazy it got. I'm walking down the road and some homeless guy walks up to me asking me if I want to smoke. I'm not even sure what he means smoke. The guy wouldn't leave me alone. He said man give me ten dollars and I'll bring you a joint. I then realized he was telling me I could not only get drunk but also partake in getting high! My brother Evan laughed and said just give him 10 bucks so he'll leave. So I give this bum ten dollars (which is against my rules) but there is a 3 percent chance he will return with the joint.

An hour goes by and I'm getting hammered and talking to people about a 100 feet down from us. These people are sleeping outside waiting in their spots. Some of these people have blankets and one couple even had a cot to lay on. About ten minutes later, I look over to my left, and this couple is in mid-smash. They are banging it out on the cot. Under the covers this guy is putting his member inside this girls body. I've never seen people smash in person before. This is awesome! Two people smashing on saint charles avenue in front of everyone. Everyone cheers for the smashing! I grab 2 beers like stone cold steve austin, and proceed to slam the beers together and chug them! The beer flies all over everyone and even the guy smashing yanks his pole from those sugar walls and tries to fight me!

I'm about ready to calm down and watch some ladders before the cops show up. After all, I'm 15 and drinking and watching a live porn! The bum shows up with the joint and Evan shakes his head in disbelief. The bum isn't a bum! He's a cheap and loyal drug dealer! WTF! This night can't get any better can it?

Daniel and Evan had a few beers but opted out of getting absolutely destroyed. I can barely make complete sentences at this point. It's time to watch the ladders now. I haven't tried to watch a ladder since they asked me to do the job. As I begin to take the job seriously, this girl walks up to me wasted and says hey you are cute. O yeah, it's time to lose my v card! This girl gets in the elevator with me ans I show her the bar right away. The elevator is old school and can be stopped at any moment. On the way down in the elevator I stop it. She rips open her shirt and then plays microphone! My kids are all over the elevator now!

 After my 5 minutes of fame, she decides to tell me she's from Oklahoma! I told her i didn't believe her so she pulls out her license and says yeah I'm an indian too! I lost it! She then proceeds to tell me her HUSBAND is sleeping and I should come with her to her hotel! I ran to the ladders ASAP! This married indian is gonna get her chief to kill me! It's time to say bye or "how" or whatever they say!

The next day I got a few hours of sleep. It's mardi gras day and I'm happier than a powerball winner. Nothing can go smoother for me. How could it get better? My mother walks up to me and says hey I heard you got a BJ in the elevator. WTF? I said mom I'm sorry but last night was epic. She told me about disease and also that she has to ride in that elevator today. I said mom I cleaned it up. It's gonna be ok, the ladders are safe. You know for the kids and shit. HAPPY MARDI GRAS!

nightmare on elmeer street

This is the house I grew up in. I lived on the left side and my uncle lived on the right side. When I was in High school, my parents loved to go stay in Mississippi on the weekends. They usually made me go with them. When I turned 15 years old it was time for me to get a job. My fat ass decided to work at Papa john's pizza.

This was my reason to stay home for the weekend while my parents went to mississippi for the weekends. This particular time I told them I had to work on friday. Yeah, so go ahead without me, I'll watch the house.(small party)

At the time I had no idea that my uncle would also be out of town! Fuck yeah!(BIG PARTY)

After work on friday, it finally sunk in that they were gone for the whole weekend! I could throw a huge party and clean up in time for sunday night when they got back. My friend Ted helped me set everything up. Not the stuffed animal Ted. This guy Ted was the sneaky kind of guy that would quietly end up hooking up with every girl in the party before the night was over. Even the girls with boyfriends lol.

Jason was the craziest friend that I've ever had. You think I don't give a shit? This guy decided to screw me over big time. I'm taking a shower to get ready for the party. The doors in my house were hoop-ass. I'm talking about the most hoop-ass doors I've ever seen in my life. The doors were accordion. These doors didn't lock! Anyone could bust in there and take mega-huge craps while you take a smelly shower!

Remember those stickers on vehicles that had the guy peeing on the brand they hated? Well Jason decided it was time to pee on me instead of Toyota. After preparing the house for the party, I take a shower. This guy decides to open the shower curtain, and just pees on me like R Kelly! He's standing outside of the shower laughing and peeing with one hand,while the other hand is holding the shower curtain open so I can't close it.At this point and time, I have two choices. Choice number one is jump out of the shower, get pee everywhere, and fight him. Choice two is let the shower water rinse off the pee,(eventually the pee will end), rinse again cause that's gross, then chase him down for the kill.

Jason ran out of the house and down the street as fast as he could. I had to grab something to throw at him to take him out. I lost my control, my temper, and little sanity I have. I opened my freezer and grabbed a frozen mug. Jason looked back and saw the rage in my eyes. I timed it perfectly. I felt like Dan Marino throwing a deep pass to a receiver. I took two steps back and threw that frozen mug as far as I could. Jason was running barefoot down the street. It was a win-win situation for me. The best outcome is for the glass to hit him in the head,then shatter, and cut him up when he falls on the broken glass. The second best outcome is for the glass to shatter in front of him so he runs over the glass barefoot. Sadly neither happened but it was close. He ran towards me to fight me but then we just laughed about it.

It's party time! People I've never met before in my life show up. It's not looking good for me cause the word spread like a California wild fire about this kick ass party. I went outside and some guy I didn't know was smoking out of a coke can in my driveway. I told this crazy guy he was gonna get us thrown in jail. When everyone left, Ted helped me clean up and attempt to get the house back to normal.

My parents got home and everything was looking good. Step father didn't notice anything. He got on the treadmill so I took a deep breath and smiled. Two seconds after my victory grin, my mother says hey Gary come look at this. She says I know you partied down cause the fans are on high everywhere in the house. The fans give it away but what really gives your ass away are the two Bud lights in the kitchen drawer. I look at the fork and spoon drawer, and 2 bud lights are there saying hi mom! Jason got me back in the worst way. NIGHTMARE ON ELMEER STREET!

your son has been hit by a suburban

Evan and I played the absolute shit out of video games when we were young. I really hated losing to him (especially in sports games). Nine times out of ten it would be a close game. Right at the end he would screw me over like the Brady-Manning rivalry. Madden, Ken Griffey Jr, and even racing games he would beat me everytime.

When the new system came out it used cd's instead of cartridges. Being the little hacker bastards we were, it was now time to learn how to copy games. Evan could really be happy with a new game a month. Not me. I wanted every fucking game that was ever made. Why? Why the fuck not? I had a dream that I could one day have every game. I found a special chip on the internet to override the copied disks.

It was now time to screw over the system. Evan and I would ride our bikes to Blockbuster and rent 3 games at a time. I would copy those games and bring them right back to the store that day and say they were terrible. The manager would tell me too bad. Using my inner car salesman I wouldn't take no for an answer. I told the manager that I really hated the games and that I really wanted to get three games i liked for the weekend. The next day I would bring those games back and said they didn't work and get three more! How the hell did I do that? The next day there was a new manager working. I'm an asshole. That's nine games in one weekend that I copied! It was addictive to get games so I made it happen until Evan grew tired of my bullshit.

Evan and I rode bikes everywhere. Whether it was basketball,blockbuster,or even sal's snowballs, we rode bikes anywhere in old Metairie. One day I knew Evan was going to boycott more video games because we just got 9 new ones a few days ago. My Tony Montana addiction was really taking over my life at this point.

On this particular ride I lied to Evan and said hey let's go eat at Burger King. Little did he know that we were going to make another hit at Blockbuster and copy more games on the way back. We were about two blocks away from my goal so I decided to tell him that we were also going to Blockbuster to get more games. Evan told me that he wasn't going to Blockbuster after we ate. I told Evan that he was messing up our collection and turning into a pussy over the situation. Evan then told me to go fuck myself and told me I was crazy. I REALLY WAS CRAZY. I couldn't help it. I had to get more and more like the games were cocaine!

Evan turns his bike around after I was an asshole to him and heads home. I'm still going to get my fucking games even if it kills me. About ten minutes after the arguement,TAKAW!!!!! Yeah I got hit by a Chevy Suburban. Not the new pussy plastic ones!!!The old suburbans that were made of pure metal. I got hit so hard,that the bike's tire was pushed into the frame. I obviously had a concussion because I was trying to get back on my bike and continue my journey to illegal copyrighting games! The guy jumps out of his Suburban and says hey man you can't leave we have to call your parents!

I go inside of this douchebags tire business and he calls my mom. The way he makes the phone call is the best part. He calls my mom (who just had the twins a few weeks ago) and says mam your son has been hit by a car. Then he pauses. My mom thinks I'm dead so she's screaming. My step dad runs up to the phone and says what happened!!!! She says Gary was run over by a car!!! I grab the phone from the tard guy and say he forgot to tell you that I'm alive!Evan is sitting in our room and he's playing playstation and gets yelled at for leaving me. The guy ends up buying me a new bike even though I could have sued him for his business. I think the Suburban knocked the addiction out of me after that day.