getting away and chillin in the bay

As soon as I got off of work, I got my stuff together and started driving to Bay Saint Louis. My family lives right on the beach, so it's good to get away from the bullshit sometimes. About ten minutes into driving, some squirrel that drives worse than Helen Keller is driving an 18 wheeler. This guy pulls right in front of me and I slam on my brakes. Shit is about to get real. At first I laid on the horn for 20 seconds. 20 seconds is a bit excessive, but this guy is about to get his head slammed in the door of his own truck. This blimmet sees that all I want to do is pass him up, so he drives slower and slower.(ON PURPOSE) Now it's time for a white trash beating to occur. To make things worse, this asshole throws a bottle down and finally gets in the right lane. I run over the glass and pull right in front of him.Next I slam on my brakes and this guy gets what he deserves. He ran off the side of the road onto the shoulder and all the cars behind him think he did it all!

We finally arrive at the yacht club. It's time to eat and get wasted! The bar was really packed so we got a table in the front. The food was great and it was now time to get completely hammered at the bar upstairs! After a few drinks my brothers showed up with their friend Pitalios. This dude looks like tayler and tyler morphed into one. I'm in the middle of talking to them about Vine videos,and this guy that used to cut my hair 12 years ago literally teabags my knee. I know I say the word teabag way too much, but this shit really happened! I was sitting on a stool and he teabagged my fucking knee! It was terrible! I felt like Jerry Sandusky's son!Not exactly like his son but minus the shower and butt pain.

The next day we all go to Gulfport to eat at Fridays and go see a movie. My brothers always get the same damn thing. Buffalo boneless wings is all they want on the menu. The waitress was terrible. This bitch didn't try to refill our drinks and I'm always a great tipper. Finally I get mad and look over and see this squirrel texting on her phone at the other end of the bar. We are at a table in the bar area and can see her sucking at life in real time. It's like a supper doppler radar but for people that will amount to nothing in life. I walk over to the bar tender and tell her can we get some refills I don't want to bother our waitress that blows because she's texting. The bar tender looks over and says wow I'm sorry I'll help you out. She brings us our drinks and then our waitress doesn't even notice that the bar tender is now doing 2 jobs! It doesn't get worse does it? O yes it fucking does. Little miss text at work finally brings me the bill after I had to ask for that too. She has the testicular fortitude to write thanks Jen! I look at the receipt and realize it's time to get real. Right nexrt to her name I write Douchebag. Now the receipt says thanks douchebag Jen! Above the receipt i wrote: keep texting! I still tipped this blimmet 12 bucks!

The twins decide they want bowling instead of a movie,so Tayler closes us on going to the most run down blowing alley in the USA! The ball return was pretty fast but the kitchen was full of the hills have eyes people! One girl caught an attitude if you asked a question so you know I had a great time with that. This place charges a dollar everytime you use your card instead of cash. I asked her why was the dollar charge necessary and she rolled her eyes at me. At that moment I wanted to stick her arm in the deep fryer but instead I went back to my lane. I got the lightest bowling ball and threw it as hard as I could right down the middle for a strike! We had a great weekend and I think Pitalios won the last game.

irobot:The fresh blimmet of bel air

Not Will Smith i robot. Im talking about the i robot that is also called Roomba. This crazy thing cleans your floors on its own. Before I start talking about the i robot vacuum cleaner,let's talk about Will Smith. Will Smith is an asshole. His kids suck too. Will Smith was filming in Louisiana not too long ago, and we have great tax breaks for the movie industry,so a lot of movies are filmed in our state. (Bobby Jindal wants to get rid of these tax breaks because he is an idiot.) So Will Smith is filming in our great state and this dickhead doesn't have a movie trailer like most stars do. This blimmet has to bring a super movie trailer to the set. Why should I give a shit about that? Well this asshole decides he's going to park his three story trailer in front of some businesses. Now no one can see the places of business. This isn't the first time he teabagged a business. He did the same thing in New York and there was an article about it. The owners of the business were blocked by his massive three story, marble floor, super trailer. These owners of these businesses went weeks of losing money cause of this monster bus parked in front of their stores. Here's why this guy is a blimmet. He was nothing but a regular guy back in the day. Now that this blimmet is famous, he acts like an idiot,has a drama queen temper,could care less about other people, and most of all this piece of shit thinks his kids can act. His kids really suck in all of their 3 movies or whatever these ass clowns are forced into with the help of the fresh Blimmet of Bel Air. Remember Willow? The movie with the midget? He named his daughter Willow then this bitch has a song called whip my hair back and forth. What a bunch of bogues. All of them should drive their super bus off a cliff.

I'm done bitching about Will Smith. Back to the crazy robot vacuum cleaner! This thing is amazing! I got it from Sam's club during this crazy sale that was opened for two hours. Right when I pull up they had about 300 people wrapped around the building! I finally get in the store and I tell my friend to run to the stuff he wants and we will meet in the middle. The good news is that the store put all the stuff that's on special right in the middle of the store. It's time to run over children and old people. They slow the process down. A few good elbows are good too. Plus when the ambulance comes to scrap the old people and small kids off the ground it creates a distraction so you can find more things while people are trying to "help the old and small kids". (I'm just joking people settle down) I find the i robot vacuum and buy some other shit I don't need. As soon as I get home I set up this robot and my dog Cole is afraid of it. After watching it roam around the house for a while, I empty out a bunch of hair and stuff. This thing is a beast! Two days later I let it work while I run an errand. My dog Cole is pissed off that he now has to share space with a fucking robot. This asshole takes the biggest crap he's ever taken in his life while I'm gone. The i robot runs over the crap and starts throwing the shit all over my kitchen like a monkey in a zoo! When I get home my dog is grinning his ass off, and I'm wondering if a monkey escaped the zoo and threw crap all over my kitchen. My robot is just days old at this point! Its now tempered in raw shit just like the Hudson river!

nancy pelosi washing machine

When I was a kid, my mother had a simple washing machine. The thing was fucking older than me! I even used it through high school. The bastard just kept on going on going. It was a Kenmore and I'll never forget that monster, cause it just wouldn't die. I even took the thing to my apartment for college! When I bought my house I decided to get a new set. (Of course I go to sears cause that's where you can get a good deal on appliances.)The sales guy is just doing his job trying to upsell me and some new bullshit. This guy tells me this model will save me on energy use and tells me that it uses less water than regular washers. Immediately I'm telling this guy that the washer will have more shit on it break and I would rather get a regular one. Think about some sensor or computer thing going all tard on me and crapping out. He was a good salesman and I was talked into buying this left winger Nacy Pelosi washing machine. Yeah I said Nacy Pelosi washing machine. It uses less water and I also have to buy more expensive detergent for this shit too! The salesperson failed to tell me while he was explaining how awesome the machine was, that another employee was sneaking around the corner with a strap on to fuck me over! This thing has broken three times on me and now it's out of warranty.

My good friend's dad works on washing machines and stuff that makes worrying noises like that. I hate to ask him to look at it cause he won't charge me for it. I'm told to call another repair guy and lets just say this asshole won't call me back after texting and leaving messages on his voice mail so fuck him. I went to put his last name in my phone and my phone corrected the name and put mascot. To take things to the next level I put a college team mascot as his picture on my phone since he doesn't know how to call people back he can cheer for college teams since a simple fucking phone call that could make him money isn't important enough. Maybe next time I should tell him I'm Donald Trump.

Back to the reason why I call this piece of crap washer a Nancy Pelosi washer. Even though I'm more of a left center on politics,I really don't like Pelosi. Sometimes her agenda can screw things up for some people but as long as her save the planet image stays in tact it's ok? Fuck that! This washing machine should have a huge picture of this bitch on it! What good does this fucking thing do for me in reality? On paper, this thing saves water. Who gives a fuck about saving water when the mother fucker doesn't work? Who wants to pay more for special pound me in the ass Pelosi detergent and constantly repair a washing machine over saving some fucking water? This sensor,computer, flux capacitor ,whatever the fuck extra it has on it basically acts as a strap on that wants to rape me where I exit only. 

the bums will always lose

Normal protocol for dealing with bums is to ignore them give them money. I'm not normal. A bum is basically someone worse than a bottom feeder. A bottom feeder basically tries to get money off of the government in any kind of way shape or form. 1.You have the woman that has as many kids as possible so she gets money and food stamps. 2.Other assholes get on disability but walk into walmart or a place of business just fine and look like they are in perfect health. That's almost as low as it gets. A bum is even worse. These assholes don't want money from our terrible government, but instead they want money from us. We all work hard and get put on the spot by a smelly disgrace to human life. This piece of crap refuses to get a job,take a shower,and most importantly stop drinking booze. The biggest question I have is how does one just say "fuck it man, I'm gonna live under an overpass and ask people for change".

The system is made for people to get umemployment until they can find a job. The problem is that the losers that choose not to have what I call "drive" to get any kind of employment until they land a better job. I have no sympathy for bums and I'm about to tell you a story about my run-in with a bum right before the superbowl.

We all went to eat and have drinks somewhere and decided to go home and drink and play nba 2k. We needed more alcohol for the night so we pull up at race trac. Before we can even get out of the car this guy walks up to the car and says man yall got any spare change man? I said whoa whoa hold on a fucking second sir. I said justin you work don't you? He said fuck yeah I work! I said chris you work too don't you? He said yeah. So I said well i work too. Let me ask you a fucking question. Why don't you work? He said man I'm not trying to start any fights now. I said why don't you go get a fucking job? The south has jobs! He was wearing a 49ers shirt and it pissed me off so I said fuck the 49ers! He started walking away and said OAKTOWN! I screamed FUCK OAKTOWN AND FUCK THE 49ERS TOO. GO GET A JOB LIKE THE REST OF US. THE BUMS WILL ALWAYS LOSE YOU HEAR ME?! Everyone at racetrac didn't know whether to clap or run.

wendys

On my off days I usually go to "daqs and darts". This all started when we discovered that there was a New Orleans Daquiris about a half of a mile from my house. Everyone wears jerseys and we go there and get white girl wasted. Not many people go to this place during the day which makes it even better. It can't get better can it? Wrong bitches. They have a jukebox there that has anything you want to play. It plays really loud too. The owner thinks we are crazy but likes the business. This one guy plays rod stewart and wears a rod stewart shirt everytime he's there. This guy knows we are about to destroy everyone's hopes and dreams so he leaves after we next all of his songs. We all play the craziest shit you can play and the few people that are there just shake their heads and wonder if we have a little bit of tard in us. Picture walking in a bar and three guys are listening to lil wayne playing pool and these assholes(us) all wearing jerseys walk in and start playing rodney carrington's I got a 12 inch dick and a dozen roses and pickup truck.

The settings on the jukebox have an option where you can play your song next even if there are 30 songs ahead of you. It costs double to do this but as wasted as we are,it's a war to play your song next. The people at the bar are about to leave or murder us all. Maybe both will happen or maybe the owner kicks us out for being idiots. About 5 shots later and 4 games of darts into the day, it's time to go home. Fuck that noise lets go get some eats! My friend says hey lets go to Burger King. We pull up at Burger King and they take more than three seconds to answer so I yell "fuck this shit yall fucking took too long" and I get the hell out of there. My friend then yells at me for losing my shit but I don't even remember leaving darts n daqs! Next he says lets go to Wendys and don't be a dick! We pull up at wendys and before the lady can ask us what we want I yell "yall mother fuckas mess up my order everytime I come here!" The lady said excuse me sir you can't order from us talking like that. I said " o yeah? Fuck you,fuck your gandmaw, fuck your grandmaw's grandmaw, and fuck this place! My other friend is the car in front of me at the window to pay and she starts yelling at him and he says I don't know that guy! He's so drunk he doesn't realize he's on the phone with my friend that's in the car with me. As I leave this place that really does mess up my order on the regular, I hear the other lady at the window yell out "I got his plate number!" I used to work at a Wendy's and its way easier than it looks but most of these assholes don't have their headsets on and just don't care about anything.

My friend is just losing it now. He doesn't know if he wants to laugh at what just happened or be angry cause he hasn't eaten yet. Our choices are getting slimmer now that it's late and the two closest places just got a piece of my mind. I pull out of wendy's and go to Taco Bell. I order everything on the menu and the bill is 42 dollars. We are sitting in line and about three cars back is a state trooper and I'm barfing out of the side window. We finally get the food and not sure how but make it home. The food is so plentiful that three other people couldn't finish it all. One of my friends hates Taco Bell and always says its the worst place ever made in america. This guy says hey man I'm gonna eat a quesadilla. I said whoa now buddy you said you hate Taco Bell. If you want some Taco Bell you gotta at least try the doritos locos taco since you slam it all of the time without trying it. He again refuses to try it because he knows I'm right. For an hour and a half I go off on him and tell him he's a poser for not eating a fucking taco! I don't remember anything but playing some darts.

The Gameplan

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